Of a school, a racing series and an implausible dream...

Indulging in rumour-mongering is one of the guilty pleasures we all enjoy – those who snub this ‘disgusting’ and ‘cheap’ habit feel smug and those who do partake in it, well, their pleasure knows no bounds.


Anyway, one more thing rumours do is that they give us a more often than not interesting topic to discuss with our friends – they are responsible for kick-starting many lazy afternoon conversations over the phone, or even a boisterous, pointless natter over beer-mugs among friends in a pub. And that’s generally because people do tend to have an opinion. The rumours, then, give us something to chew upon, something to kill time with, something to ensure our life stays as meaningful or meaningless as we want it to be.


And one such rumour is responsible for this post. And my gut says it will probably turn out into speculation on an extremely fanciful scheme. More on that later.


Babai called me sometime back and told me St. Patrick’s are probably thinking of making the +2 section co-ed. My instantaneous reaction was, “WHAT. THE. FUCK?” Seems people at the SPOBA have lost their marbles. Or is it the SPAI (I still can’t forget how they ruined our last official day in Class X. Almost.). Retards that they are, they will definitely extend this ‘cooperative effort’ to the other junior classes. And then?


Nothing. When I thought about it later, I realized that the school would be more or less OK. With the girls coming in, probably the number of 90-pluses will increase (albeit the equal increase in the number of dumb, dumber, dumberer females-which will restore the average). And probably being seen together in random places downtown in school uniforms will be less scandalous for those who want to move their love-life into a higher gear. But my question remains. WHY? Ever heard of the saying, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”? Of course you have. How daft of me. They should definitely encourage inter-school interaction through any number of events – like those dance parties they used to have years back, but sleeping with the enemy (sorry about that) is a strict no-no. Please. See some sense. STOP THIS.


One more thing struck me. It shouldn’t come as a surprise after all, but still. If the school thinks it wants to be innovative, to be a trend setter, it should invest in my grand scheme. With all the right moves, I’m sure we will get all the visibility, the popularity and the reputation we could ever want. Or need.


They should start the SPS GP Challenge, which will be a racing series for the under-18 class. This could be held during the winter break. Standard go-karts could be made the norm, with 4-5 HP 2-stroke engines, a barebones chassis with (a trifle expensive, I agree) slicks bolted on to them. Or we can use engines from the stupid lawnmowers which have rattled our brains out while we were in 9th and 10th. The steering racks could be welded together in some local foundry. Stop smirking. I know it’s not particularly high-tech, but it’s not at all about the technology – it’s about nice, old-school racing, wheel banging and trying to ram each other off the racing line on the corner entry and exit segments. And I think I am safe in the assumption that the most balls-out racer will take home the Gulmohar leaf trophy.


Of course, all this is very well, but what about the racetrack? Don’t stick your stinky sock into my pine-fresh dream studio yet. We have one right inside the campus!


If you don’t believe me, continue reading. If you do, do the same as well.


The Start/Finish line will be in front of the large manual bell(which we fooled around with occasionally); the machines then accelerate up to the large oak tree(with the 2-tonne pitch roller under it); next comes a medium right past the canteen and the disused building behind it. Just as the curve straightens, there’s the Triangular Section (Traffic duty….thoo) with a hard 90 degree right – hard on the brakes here, and this is one of the overtaking zones, a section which will be extremely critical to the lap times. My favourite part comes next, a delightful high-speed section at full throttle, past the senior school, towards the junior school, as the cars, sorry, karts fly past the middle school building and the parking lot. This brings us to another stand-on-the-brakes hard right. And then, it’s smooth sailing all the way – it’s all about finding the best possible line and straight-lining the final section, past the school auditorium and back to the main straight and across the line.


Think about it. The guys in town will kill to be a part of the race, whose entrants will have been rigorously screened by time-trials, and selected from (hopefully) hundreds of other aspirants. The girls will also probably fancy a guy in a racing suit and a helmet a wee bit more that your average Dick. The mothers would have something better to bitch about to each other than their children’s grades and their love interests. I have no doubt that the standard of racing here will be superior to the standard of the football they play in the Salt Lake Stadium and also to the performances of the Kolkata Knight Riders (sorry Shahrukh). If all goes well, the money will flow in as well. TV coverage would probably work it’s way up from the Asansol Cable Network to no less that Star Sports (I’ll take TEN Sports as well, thank you very much). It will, god-willing, be a top draw event in Eastern India. It might catch the eye of individuals and corporates who would like to support good talent instead of being part of stupid poverty-alleviation schemes which usually benefit no one. If it were to become the pre-eminent racing championship in India, then it would become the breeding ground for the future generation GP2 and…wait for it…Formula One race drivers … the possibilities seem endless to me(though you won’t be wrong in thinking that I’m too carried away at this point)…


Who knows, the next Formula One World Champion might probably be in Asansol right now, busy with Mr. S. Chattterjee’s math homework.

Speed thrills. Or, does it?

Each and every human being on this planet must accept that there is a limit to our reflexes. A machine that can accelerate from 0 to 200 in 7 seconds without doubt means a race victory, but on normal roads, it is a serious hazard..both for the moron behind the wheel, and the other road users.


I'm a hardcore motorhead myself, but, since I have a triple-figured IQ, I have figured out that speed exhilarates, but only upto a limit. Smashing your Ferrari ( OK, Lamborghini ) into an electric pole while blinking can never be a good idea.


They may all say that 'a third of all those injured and killed on the roads are young men, aged in a startlingly narrow band from 17 and 19. Dripping with testosterone, and filled with a youthful sense of immortality, being 17 is dangerous. It always has been. The fact is, you simply can’t make a 17-year-old see sense .' But I've just done exactly that!


But administrators and officials are getting it all wrong when they go about setting speed limits on public roads... Imagine...the speed limit on one of the busiest roads is 20 kmph. So you think this is a fabulous idea...No more big accidents, no more car pile-ups, no more deaths...great! But I, being the eternal sadist, shall stick my smelly foot into your rosy dreams. Suppose there is a 90 degree bend, and two cars are coming at 20 kmph, but in OPPOSITE directions. And then they collide. You tell me, 'Raunaq, you jackass, how can anyone get killed at 20 kmph? As usual, you're talking bullshit. Eff off.' Hold on a second. If you've ever made the mistake of studying Grade 6 Mathematics (or Physics), you will know that this means a resultant impact of 40 kmph. So, to get a feel of the experience, try running at full speed wearing only your underwear head-on into a closed door. And then ring me up to tell me how you 'enjoyed' it.


The point is, you cannot be killed just by travelling fast. You will be killed only if you suddenly come to a standstill. Accidents and deaths can only be avoided if drivers try to drive sensibly, no matter how dumb they might be. Rash driving is the root cause of all road evils.


Another reason is that people use their vehicles to show off, as well as carry out other clandestine activities. Due to rising property prices and lack of privacy, cars have truly become the place for things more than just driving. Couples hankering for a few 'close' moments, youngsters who --unprintable-- and those who drive after being loaded with liquor like an oil tanker...all these are only a few examples.


Have we already forgotten the pavement dwellers mowed down in the recent past by speedsters, both as celebrities and common men?? Think about it.